netteness

im sorry to have doubt you. Not that i dont trust you, i think i dont believe in my heart enough. Just read my old blog that was created in 2008... was funny yet sad. Partly because of how things have changed and how much i used to tease u, despite knowing that somehow i still have a liking for u in some ways. 

Somehow I cant help thinking that i want to go back time to the past before all the nightmare started... That time you were there but not for long. It felt good but the worse felt long. It;s like a jab of a drug. That thought struck me and left me feeling really scared. No I dont ever want to go through that all over again. I just have to keep telling myself, this is the present and it is a gift. Some things in the past just can't be changed. I used to dream of someone who i can count on, someone i thought that i will meet in poly. It's only a dream but i wanna make that person you, to be someone who i can really count on... I just have to set my heart out to do it, like how i did it when i first met you. Your words mean a lot to me. I find strength in them... But then again i find it intimidating to touch them... what if they scatter into lights and disappear in front of me? or what if they will turn around some day and pierce through me? To be honest i dont know what am i trying to say... these words came to my mind when I tried to digest yours. But since im in thsi spot right now, there's nothing else to lose if i just plunge in and trust u with all my heart, right? but how can i do that? please teach me... I wanna go to the place where i can leave those thoughts behind me for good, forever. :( Or is this just a norm for a female? You see, my head is like an exam paper...so full of questions! just that there's no answer sheet to this. Can you write me one? 

Yes you are right i shouldn't stereotype. Im so sorry i said those things. it must have hurt. How how how? You're probably the most rationale and practical person i;ve seen around. I wish Im half as rationale as you are.

I'm sleeping at 11.52pm tonight, hope to wake up at 11am tomorrow 

お休みなさい

This habit of emptying out everynight before bedtime isnt beneficial in the long run. I hate to become reliant but it is really a pain killer. when the medicine's effect wears off I'm in misery. 

Yes everytime when emptiness tries to force its way in, recall that moment when the phonecall just ended. that short conversation that was worth every second helped a lot. hold on to that moment of happiness and i'll stretch it overtime. 

I never believed that I can bounce back from events that hurt that much. Maybe becuz it was a false alarm, whatever. Hope such nonsense doesnt happen again it;s fucking annoying. 

just me and my laptop in my room, enjoying the night breeze <3

ps im blabbering nonsense , side effect from prolong usage of strong medicine that kills nothing and breeds resistance. holy shit